Open Book

I can be a very private person at times.  I believe I come by it naturally.  I am most private when it comes to the things that hurt me.  I don't like to show weakness.  Or admit that I am not strong enough to handle something on my own.  It's a blessing and a curse.  I was raised to be a strong, independent woman.  I am grateful for that.  But everyone has a breaking point.

I'm staring to write more about this stuff because I think it would be good therapy for me to let things out.  I hold so much in to the point that I break and maybe if I let things go a little at a time it won't be so bad.  I suppose it worth a try.

Being a single parent is tough.  It's even tougher dealing with MD.  I feel like I have to be even stronger for Austin.  I don't have someone else to step in so I can break down.  It's hard.  I hold in tears all of the time because I don't want to show weakness or let Austin know how much I'm hurting.  He knows he has muscular dystrophy and he knows that affects his muscles so that he is not able to do things as well as other kids his age.  But that's all he knows.  And that's all he needs to know...for now.  It's hard to look at that sweet face and know what's going to happen to him.  I need to be strong.  I need to fight for him...to be his advocate.  But it's really hard.  It breaks me.  I feel like I'm constantly fighting to get him what he needs. It wears on me.

I started taking anti-depressants last week.  I tried so hard to get through without taking medicine.  I knew I was sad, but it was Jonathan who made me see how bad it was getting.  He sees me every day.  He could see the change in me.  I tried to fight it, but I had to admit I wasn't strong enough to handle this on my own and I needed help.  We have a family doctor.  I really like that.  So when I get seen he asks about Austin and knows all about Austin's diagnosis.  No retelling of my sob story.  I told him I needed medication and he didn't even have to ask why.  He understood. Hopefully the medicine will help. And I can be a stronger person for Austin. 

I want to be an open book.  I want to be able to freely share what I am feeling, the good and the bad.  I need to so that I can keep my sanity as we travel down this road.  I'm just going to have to take it one day at a time.